What we had neither had a beginning or an ending and somewhere in the middle we lost each other. He’s the boy I never got to love. Our story was wrapped in white linen sheets and a streak of moonlight it never saw the light of day. At dusk he was gone and all the words I wanted to say were locked in my mind. And now the sun has come and gone many times and I still dream of his touch on lonely nights.
It’s not right, I’m magnetised to somebody that don’t feel it. Love paralysed, he’s never gonna need me, but sure as the world keeps the moon in the sky, he’ll keep me hanging on. He keeps me hanging on.
Every girl has that one boy she knows isn’t right for her but she is still somewhat infatuated to. In many cases that boy has treated her so badly, hurt her a million times and doesn’t even care for her wellbeing. For some reason, she still can’t get him out of her mind, she thinks about him at day like at night and is constantly hoping that he will contact her again, refusing to accept that its over. I’m looking to explore this, to both help myself and you readers understand why we girls do this and hopefully how to get out of it. So I’m going to throw my thoughts as they come to mind (disclaimer: this article may be a long one, we all know how complex we girls are). Have you ever noticed that when a boy is nice, pleasant and actually cares about you he becomes less interesting than the common fuckboy who treats you like a piece of meat? Or is that just me? Please tell me its not just me.
All heartbreaks are spurred by rejection. Different kinds of rejections of course but rejections nonetheless. Let me explain, even in a long-term relationship when a breakup occurs its one rejecting the love of the other, rejecting the other half. In the best-case scenario it’s a mutual rejection but still remains a rejection, are you getting my train of thoughts? (I’ve used the word rejection way too many times). We all hate rejection, fear it and loath it. But I truly believe that some people deal with it better than others. I for one cannot deal with rejection it hurts me to my core and makes me question my entire being, smashes my confidence like a wrecking ball in the chest and leaves me devastated. This last sentence was very intense I know but those are the emotions I have felt after being rejected. So after being rejected you sometimes enter a phase of denial, now if you’re lucky that wont last long and you’ll soon see it as it is and move on. However correct me if I’m wrong but that’s mostly how boys deal with rejections. Us girls tend to stay enclosed in the denial cage for way longer. Denial is when you ask yourself questions like ‘Does he still think of me?’, ‘maybe something is going on in his life and that’s why he rejected me?’ along with posting the odd hot picture of yourself on social media with the sole purpose of getting his attention. Truth is, if you’re still asking yourself these questions, checking your phone hoping his name will appear on screen or posting pictures to catch his eye, you’re first of all not over him and second of all you’re still in denial.
Now lets think about it, if you just accept that he doesn’t like you or at least not in the way you want him to, accept the fact that nothing will ever happen or it wont ever be the same between him and you then frankly you will realise that you’re just wasting your time dwelling over him. Now that’s how you get out of this never-ending denial phase you have to let go of any hope of something happening again. That little thought at the back of your mind telling you ‘what if’, ‘maybe he’ll come back’ ‘maybe he still cares about me’, those thoughts are the ones which aren’t allowing you to move on with your life. See you wont let go of him until you decide that nothing will ever happen again and truth be told if you’re in this state because of him than clearly he doesn’t deserve a second chance with you. If one day he does ever come back to you, remember the bad. Remember the agony in your chest, remember the sleepless nights and remember that you’re one bad decision away from another heartbreak. So for your own sake, let go of any hope that you and him will happen again. Please if he does eventually come back in a week a month a year, don’t fall back into the blackhole. Let him know you’ve moved on, no matter what he says no matter what excuse he whips out he doesn’t care for you half as much as you care for him and you know that because you would never have done to him what he did to you.
I’ve fallen in the hands of someone stronger than me. I got caught in my own game, in my own traps. Hold me close and I’ll be gone, let me go and I’ll be yours. A game I have mastered perfectly, so well that it’s become unhealthy and self-destructive. It’s like its become my definition of love, its become the only thing I really know. The game, the chase. Seduce and then be gone. You want me but you can’t get me. A sad game, a narcissistic game, a cruel game. I hate that game but I became addicted to it, like a drug, a fucking dose of cocaine. And my ego, my fucking ego; My pride and my worst enemy. I’m terrified at the thought of him knowing how I feel. I’m so scared of being vunerable, of being weak, of him knowing that I think about him every day and every night. So I keep my mouth shut. I wait for him to give me a sign, to come to me. I suffer from his silences, I live with a feeling of emptiness and sadness.
Crushed, completely crushed. You had told me that you loved me, that I meant something to you, that you missed me. But they were all just words, words with no depth, no meaning. You lied to me, you messed me up and you betrayed me. You left my heart to bleed without a word, without even a sorry. I am but an empty soul solely occupied by the thought of you. I force a smile on my lips, a burst of laughter in my voice, a bounce in my steps just to hide the sadness wearing me down inside, crushing me day by day and night by night. Why did you do this? Why did you crush me?
I need to free myself, run away from you, from everything. I need to breathe, I need to forget you, I need to keep you off my mind. I want to smile, I want to laugh again. Heart I beg you, stop crying stop hurting. Even if its only for a day. Let me move on, don’t lock me up in the past. Every memory makes me die a little more, knowing that i’ll never live them again. I beg of you heart, let me be free.
Hey guys, This is an extract from a diary entry I wrote about a year ago whilst having a little heartbreak… Thought I’d share it on the blog as I feel some of the girls will be able to relate to the content (warning: I was very upset with myself at the time and wasn’t in a good place)
No one knows how you feel, don’t worry no one knows how much you hate yourself. No one knows your issues. To everyone you look like a normal girl look-conscious and bitchy looking. No one knows how lonely you are, no one knows. The root to all your problems is your self-obsession. You think too much about yourself, I know its not in a good way, but still all you think about is yourself, how you are being perceived and what people think of you. If you want things to change and to be happier you need to stop being so self-centered and obsessed. Its a hard process but the first thing you should do is start working on your coursework instead of sitting there thinking of your personal problems and asking yourself why he doesn’t like you even though you’re better looking. You are so incredibly shallow. You’re obsessed with looks and you position yourself above him and that’s why your ego got damaged. But the point is, he’s a better person than you are. And he can read straight through you. He knows the only thing you want is for him to like you, that your only aim is to collect hearts you can crush and control. And as soon as he does like you, you’ll fuck him over and tell him that you don’t. He’s not shallow and he would put his feelings over his sexual attraction to you. Now that you’ve had time to think about him and what you two could have been you realized how you fucked up and how actually you really need someone like him in your life, someone who will turn this artificial bullshit play that you live into something real. You’re crumbling inside. You’re holding on to one last string. You put your makeup on, you wear short skirts and flick your hair but you’re destroyed inside. Bottling everything up. But you’re so sick of artificiality, you know that’s not what you want. You feed off the attention of others, that’s your only source of love and that’s incredibly sad. You need to get out of it, these claws are getting in too deep, soon you’ll be empty. And the girl you used to love will be gone forever.
A few hours later…
But seriously its your fault entirely, you purposely put yourself in heartbreaking situations and dwell over them for ages. Its not attractive to be depressed and to feel sorry for yourself. Pull yourself together and make him regret he didn’t choose you, make him want to be with you and be the girl you can be ! Be happy, smile, laugh and you’ll see the changes around you straight away, common give it a go! Now make sure to brighten up your life, it all starts from brightening up your mood!
I have suffered from shyness and lack of self-confidence for a while now, and when I use the word ‘suffered’ I weigh my words carefully. I would describe it as an invisible bubble filled with bad thoughts preventing you to just be you. Shyness, in my opinion is strongly linked to self-confidence and therefore both must be mutually fixed. Overtime I’ve read a lot of articles on this topic, along with my own experiences I have a few pieces of advice and important information I’d like to share on the matter, so lets get started..
1-You are unique. This may seem like an obvious and a very cliché thing to say but really think about it for a minute. In the whole history of the human race there has never been another you, never been another person with the exact same thoughts/life as you. Make the most of it, let the world make the most of you.
2- You are your own best friend. By this I mean you are literally going to spend your whole life with you, might as well like yourself right? Learn to appreciate the person you are. Stop putting yourself down, imagine for a minute telling the thing that you think about yourself to someone else? (you’re ugly, you’re not funny, no one likes you…)You would never dare too. Treat yourself with respect and love yourself because no matter what you will always have yourself. By doing so you will start feeling better in your own skin.
3- Everyone is human. Okay let me explain, we all just human, every person you meet has insecurities, things they don’t like about themselves. You are not the only person who doesn’t think their perfect. If you ever feel shy around someone or even intimidated remember there just another human. I don’t know if I’m making any sense, it’s a hard thing to explain.
4- Who cares what they think? At the end of the day people’s opinion of you doesn’t really matter. By reminding yourself that other’s opinion of you aren’t that important you will be able to feel freer. Also people notice if you’re constantly worrying about what everyone is thinking its visible, if you manage to give less importance to that others are thinking you will be able to free yourself from negative thoughts and appear more relaxed and self-confident.
5- You only live once. Yes YOLO, the term that infuriates so many but is so so true. You only have one life, make the most of it. Do what makes you happy, stop caring about what others think; it’s your life. Try to ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen? Is it going to matter in the future? Most of the time the answer is no. So do it, say what you want to say, be the person you want to be, because you know what you only have one shot at life.
Like many little girls, I grew up with a best friend. At first it was all giggles and childlike insouciance, but then as you grow up things become more serious and ‘hierarchies’ start forming. My best friend and I were always together, we basically became one, we were completely associated to one another. Eventually this best friend took the front stage part and I started becoming the back wheel. I was always with her and we loved each other very much but I became transparent in the eyes of others and that’s when I started questioning my importance. This best friend was always at the centre of all the drama, I used to run around telling boys that she liked them, calling them for her and I basically stopped thinking about myself. She also became very possessive, when people showed interest in me she would rapidly lure them into liking her more (writing this seems so childish but I feel I have to be honest if I’m telling this story even though I come across as a bitter jealous little girl). Fortunately at the age of fourteen my best friend moved away. I cried all summer, feeling lost and scared but also relieved and grateful, I hated myself for being happy that she was gone but quite honestly her leaving was probably the best thing that happened to me, god knows how I would have turned out if she’d stayed. When school started again, everyone was asking me about my best friend, how do you feel now that she’s gone? What are you going to do without her? They asked. No one was used to seeing me as just me and not as x’s best friend. It took a while for me to start shaping my own personality or rather expressing it to the eyes of the world (my true self never disappeared, and that is one thing I want to remind you readers, you must always remember that no one can change your soul, though you might be drowned in someone else’s light, though you might be turned into someone you’re not, deep down the real you is still there and waiting patiently for you to let her out again, let her shine to the eyes of the world). Eventually I managed to detach myself from that name and I was a lot happier. However I know that this friendship scarred me deeply, till date I am still working on myself. I have a tendency to hide behind others’ lights, to easily scare off from social situations. This friendship destroyed my self-confidence, actually worse than that it didn’t allow me to form one. Self-confidence is built through out your life and I was only able to build mine much later. My advice to everyone would be to make sure that the people you are spending time with the people you call your friends are letting you express yourself and shine just as much as them. Make sure you don’t find yourself hidden behind someone else, you are your own person, ‘someone else’s mind isn’t walking your journey’.